Monday, April 27, 2009
All these people are getting married in my state today...
Go Read Pope Laura the Beneficient
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Shameless Self-Promotion...Again
Saturday, April 25, 2009
A Spot of Good News
(cross-posted in a slightly different form over at Pam's House Blend)
As you know, I'm a UCC minister who serves a very progressive church in SW Iowa, not a bastion of liberalism by any means. Steve King, he who feared that Iowa would become the new "gay marriage mecca," "represents" (and I do use the term loosely) the district in which I live. I also have a part-time gig as a sexuality educator for an affiliate of a national reproductive-health-care organization (that also provides abortions, so I bet you can guess what it is). My moms are gay, so I generally identify as "queer by proxy." Oh, and I'm a local school board member.
We hear a lot of bad news about being a GLBT student in public schools. A LOT. I know that many of us have experienced a great deal of hatred and discrimination from our schooling years, and that lots of us carry those scars with us. So I wanted to share a perfectly delightful story, and hopefully share a vision of what may yet be possible for the many GLBT students who come through our schools in the next few years.
A few weeks ago, a youth in my church told me that her friend X was planning to bring his male date to prom. I was kind of thrilled, and a little apprehensive. A few days later, I heard the same thing from our HS principal (also a member of our church), in the context of a marriage equality conversation. When I commended him for supporting this young man, the principal said, "Well, first of all, it's the law. And yes, it's great he's bringing his date!" (Isn't it nice to have administrators who get it, and who are advocates for our kids?)
Our high school prom is a really big deal. It is held at a local restaurant, and there is a red-carpet walk-in where couples are formally announced. Parents, kids, grandparents, all sorts of community members come, applaud the couples, and take pictures. I told my youth I was planning to see her at the walk-in, and asked if her friend X was going to. She said no, it felt like a big enough risk just to bring his date. I was sad, but after hearing so many horror stories, I kind of understood. Then my youth texted me yesterday.
"Are u still coming to walk in?" Well, I sure was planning. "Well, X is going to do walk-in now and he really wants some positive support." Well, that settled it. How could I not go?
Now, I live in a very conservative part of the state. I'm pretty much the only pro-choice pastor in the community, and I am certainly the only member of our ministerial association who supports GLBT rights or would perform a wedding for a same-sex couple. I've been called a blasphemer and probably worse by my colleagues. There is not a lot of support for things like marriage equality in my community. For a lot of people, homosexuality = all that ridiculous stuff the Religious Right pushes.
So you can understand my anxiety for X. Would the community be shocked? Would they boo him? Would they throw things at him? Would they be silent? Would the announcer refuse to announce the couple? I imagined all these possibilities.
Well, I arrived a little before the procession began, and it was really neat. I saw the mom of the youth, and she told me what X's car looked like. I also saw who the announcer was, and relaxed a little. He's a cop-turned-post-office-worker, and a really decent guy. He may not be a GLBT activist, but I couldn't see him embarrassing anyone.
The kids started coming, and they were all announced. There were several groups of girls, and a few "girl couples," which it was hard to tell if they were "couples" or friends who simply came together. (Funny how communities have a high tolerance for girls coming to prom with other girls, but guys coming together freaks people out. Yes, this was another reason for my concern.) A couple of the girls held onto each others' arms, which I thought very sweet.
Then, X and his date arrived. X wore a powder-blue tux with a black vest, and his date wore a black tux with a powder-blue vest. (Cute, right?) They got out of the car, clutched arms in the very traditional prom date entrance, were announced cheerfully, and walked down the red carpet to applause and photos (including me, calling like a maniac to a kid I'd never met to say how great they looked).
That was it. No booing, no whispers, even, that I could hear. No outrage, no protesting. Just, two boys walking in to prom, like any other couple.
It is times like this that I'm profoundly grateful for the "Iowa Nice" attitude that lets kids bring their dates to prom and doesn't make an issue of it, even if others don't "agree with homosexuality" (whatever that means). It's also a time when I realize I need to check some of my own assumptions about this community, and to stop expecting the worst from these largely theologically conservative farmers.
In the midst of so much horror, discrimination and violence, I am just so profoundly grateful for the ways that this community steps up. Believe me, if it can happen here, then we have won.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Something I'd Never Thought Of ...
Friday, April 17, 2009
Rants and Ramblings on the Death of a Child
Despite not being a parent, much less one who's gone through the horror of losing a child, I've come to know that people tend to say a lot of stupid, heartless and ridiculous things in such situations. Sometimes, ministers are especially guilty of this. I really hate hearing bad theology at the funerals of children and youth. (Well, I hate hearing bad theology all the time, but bad funeral theology is the absolute worst.) I know that people mean well, and are trying to help and not hurt, but honestly, do they think about what they are saying before they open their mouths?
Here is my top three list of stupid things you should never, ever, ever say to a parent who has lost a child:
3. God had a special task for this one in heaven. I actually heard this in a conversation this week. Long ago, a kid had flu-like symptoms; the family, who didn't have health insurance, couldn't afford a $25 copay to learn their kid had the flu, so didn't go to the doctor. The kid ended up having diabetes and died from the complications. A young friend wanted to know why this little girl had died and she didn't, since she also had diabetes. The above was her mother's response.
Look, I know that it's hard to explain to little kids about our whack health system, but let's be honest: the kid didn't die because God had some special task for her; she died because her parents didn't have access to adequate health insurance. A tragic mistake, not the family's fault...but also not God calling a kid home. Um, no. Whether avoidable, preventable, accidental, or even occasionally intention, whenever when a child dies, it's not God's will. Ever.
2. God's will is mysterious. Really? You think it's God's will that children die? What kind of horrible God do you worship? Keep me away from Him, thank you very much. In a famous sermon by William Sloane Coffin on the death of his own son Alex, a woman says to him, "I'll never understand the will of God." To which he replies, "I'll say you don't!" He goes on to say that at the moment of Alex's death, God's heart was the first to break, and that in all things, God offers us "minimum protection, maximum support."
1. God needed another angel. Really? Do you truly believe that a) God needs anything, and b) that even if God did need anything, God's need could somehow be greater than OUR need? Are you honestly going to tell grieving parents that God needed that child more than her parents and community did? Your god is that needy, that greedy? Seriously? Bullshit.
I get that when we have people we love who are grieving, we want to help. We want to take away that suffering, or at least imbue it with some sort of meaning that will help the grievers get out of bed in the morning.
We also have this thing in our culture where we are stuck in a third-grade notion of God being omnipotent and able to do anything. That's where a lot of this bad theology comes from; we believe that if something happens, it's because it's somehow God's will. But the hard reality is that God is not all-powerful. At least, not here on earth. If God were all-powerful, we'd be getting ready to celebrate SM's birth. There would be no genocide, no poverty, no rape, no hunger, no addiction, no murder, no oppression of any sort. The question of why God permits suffering is intimately tied to things like free will and random chance, and any real answer would be far too long for a blog post. Permit me to say, however, that even when God wants to prevent suffering, God is not always able to do so.
This is not to say that God cannot draw good out of suffering. This is where God is most powerful, I believe - in helping us draw good out of terrible situations. It's not easy, and it's not always possible. It certainly seldom happens in the way we think it will. Even if lives are transformed and realities changed for the better as a direct result of a child's death, it still doesn't make the death "worth it." There will always be a hole where that child should be. And in the end, only the parents parents have the right to say, somewhere down the line, "We miss her, we'd rather have her here, but there are some good things that happened after this horrible death that might not have otherwise happened." We don't have the right to say that for anyone else. Ever.
When a child dies, it is utterly incomprehensible. It tears at the order and fabric of the universe in particularly devastating ways. And yet, it is totally human of us to try to make sense of utter nonsense. I get that. I desperately want to take away some of the grief my friends are feeling right now, and the normal way we think that happens is through an explanation. (What makes this situation even more heart-wrenching is that the doctors don't know why SM died. But I don't suppose that would matter very much anyway; it just maybe gives a focus for the grief.) But let's be honest: if it were you, would any of this stuff make you feel better?
When a kid dies, do your friends and family the courtesy of not making up bullshit reasons for why this happened, especially not bullshit reasons that put God at the center of what happened. Stick with the psalms of lamentation that rail against God if you must. But better yet: just show up. Bring them food. Hug them. Cry with them. And keep your mouth shut.
This, by the way, is how you bring God into the center of such a tragedy.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Youtube Goodness
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
All in All, Not Such a Super Day
Letters to the Editor
This week's letter, in response to a quote of mine that appeared in the Omaha World-Herald (the nearest daily), was rather cute. I reprint it here in its entirety and verbatim (except for the town name):
"Saturday morning right on the front page of my newspaper is the United States with a big red dot over Iowa. And in reading about this abomination against God a small church Reverend in XXXXXXX has proclaimed a victory.
We as Christians and disciples of God have again let Satan's foot in the door."
The red dot, if you're new to this site (and God only knows why this would be the post that brings you here, but, hey, welcome, have a seat, enjoy the view) is in regards to marriage equality, which came to Iowa on April 3.
Thank you, Donald Allen of my hometown. It gave me a good laugh; also, I laughed again when my friend JW called to ask if Satan was home. But I just have one question - when were the other times we let Satan's foot in the door? When women started to get ordained? When women were no longer the property of their fathers or husbands? When the abominable snowman was revealed to be a gentle giant who just needed a tooth pulled?
Seriously, Kids, it's a Semi-Colon; how hard is it to use?
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Very Belated Post
April 3, 2009 ~ At the inauguration of our current president, Barack Obama, Sen. Dianne Feinstein spoke of “the sweet victory of this hour.” Iowans, these are our words today!!! For we who love justice and equality, for we who wish to affirm that all Iowans are equal under the law, for we who believe that all Iowa families deserve to be treated fairly, this is indeed a sweet, sweet hour, a sweet, sweet victory.
God is good – all the time!
Yes, it’s true. I believe that God has brought us to this day. God rejoices with us as we celebrate the triumph of love over fear, justice over oppression, and holiness in the midst of our closest relationships. God is smiling upon Iowa this day! As an ordained minister in the United Church of Christ, I affirm that God is still speaking and God says we are all equal in God’s eyes. We are all beloved of God! We are all free! The sweet victory of this hour is in the ways that all blessed and holy relationships may now be honored fairly by the state of Iowa. Thanks be to God!
Even as I invoke the name of God in giving thanks for this sweet victory, I know that there are some here and throughout our great state who feel this decision is a travesty in the eyes of God. I cannot change your mind. I am not here to change your mind, sorry though I am that we disagree.
I am here to ask to you to acknowledge just one thing: that in our society, marriage often has both RELIGIOUS and CIVIL aspects. This union of religion and civics within the word “marriage” makes lots of people uncomfortable. Believe me, I get it. It is a curious conflation. But it is real.
What we celebrate today is not a religious victory. [It’s not, even for those of us who support marriage equality as a religious issue.] This is a civic victory: that insofar as marriage is a civil contract, the state has no business discriminating against consenting adults who wish to enter into it. What has happened today is that the Iowa Supreme Court has affirmed the equal recognition and protection of the privileges and rights of all individuals in civil marriage, no matter the gender of each partner.
As for the religious definition of marriage … well, the courts have no jurisdiction there. Insofar as marriage is a religious compact, even a sacrament, the state has no business telling religion what to do or whom it must join in holy matrimony. And it does not pretend to. If your religious beliefs or that of your church, synagogue, masjid or other place of worship do not recognize marriage between two persons of the same gender, you are free to go on believing and practicing that belief. You do not have to marry same-sex couples. You don’t have to go to their weddings and you do not have to have those weddings in your places of worship. The First Amendment’s guarantees of freedom of religion are intact.
What has changed is only the civil definition of marriage. (only!) But for we who love justice, for we who walk in love, for we who seek liberation for the oppressed, it is enough. It is enough.
And see, if you are like me, and worship in a faith community where all people are welcome to participate in the full life, fellowship and leadership of the congregation, no matter their sexual orientation, now, the same-sex holy unions we perform can now have the same weight and authority as the heterosexual unions we perform. Because brothers and sisters, we have been marrying gay and lesbian couples for years! And we will keep on doing it – this time with the knowledge that we celebrate not only a religious uniting of two of God’s children, but also a legal creation of a family. What a joy that the state has finally caught up with what we have known to be true all along – that love makes a family.
Seven months ago, in the state of California, I had the privilege of uniting in holy matrimony and in civil marriage two women who had been a couple for twenty years. These women had raised three children together and seen more trouble than most of us can imagine. They had loved each other in the closet for most of that time, and they resisted most ways of having their relationship recognized formally. But when the time came for marriage equality in their state, they jumped. They opened their lives up to their friends and coworkers. They called their children and invited them to the special day. They got on their nicest clothes and they walked down a dusty path in a beautiful park and they pronounced their vows to each other, and they kissed, and they were legally married. The law recognized what the spirit had always known – that these two people were meant for each other, now and forever. And on that day, possibly the only person happier than they were was their daughter – the minister who presided at their union. Me.
So you see, this is not only a political victory, but it is a personal and family victory for all Iowa’s families. Thank you, God, for the sweet victory of this hour."
I missed a few good points raised by others, such as the fact that I support marriage equality BECAUSE OF my Christian faith, not in spite of it, but I think the message came through anyway. I also added a couple of points, like apologizing on behalf of Christians everywhere for the abuse GLBT persons have suffered at the hands of "the Church." (I know I can't make up for it, I know I'm not personally responsible for it, but it needs to be said nonetheless.)
It was a great rally and to the best of my knowledge, we had no counter-protestors. The thrill of that day was partly eaten up by the annoyance of the next few days when protests became more formal in the Iowa Legislature, and at the local legislative coffee when the people who represent this district were ridiculous in their assessments.
Our state senator even invoked the tired line of "teaching this to our children in schools" and our state representative went on and on about how the court overstepped its bounds. Why don't these people get that they don't have a right to vote on other people's civil liberties? Do they not understand that the function of a state Supreme Court is precisely to rule on the constitutionality of laws enacted by the legislature? Have they never heard of "checks and balances"? Did they ever show up for their civics classes? The mind boggles.
Monday, April 06, 2009
Wingnuttery Sex Education
Saturday, April 04, 2009
Great Facebook Commentary on Iowa Supreme Court Ruling
Friday, April 03, 2009
State Supreme Court Smackdown!
I also, being the dork that I am, read the full decision (okay, I skimmed parts of it - I understand the difference between strict scrutiny, rational basis, and intermediate scrutiny, so I just needed to know what they used). It is amazing. Read it here. (The six-page summary for you wusses is here.)
The Iowa Supreme Court took every argument that the Polk County Recorder's office raised and thoroughly ripped them to tiny little shreds. Then they poured gasoline on those shreds and burnt them. Then, they took the ashes, and steamrolled over them. It was a thing of beauty. I love when justices do this - it is devastating and marvelous all at once! I had every confidence that the defendants had a weak case, and boy did it show in this decision. And can I just say, "Thank you!!!" to the justices for their strong, reasoned, principled, and thorough work? A-freakin-mazing.
Also, they nicely made clear that this is about CIVIL MARRIAGE and does not affect RELIGIOUS MARRIAGE in any way. Except that now I don't have to feel that I'm participating in a discriminatory act when I sign opposite-sex marriage licenses. And, of course, I can marry gay and lesbian couples, starting April 24. But all y'all who don't want to perform same-sex marriage and who want to pour on the hate over my gay and lesbian friends still are free to do so.
And it was UNANIMOUS! What a great day to be an Iowan!! God be praised! And thank you, God, for justices who do their work mindful of the firestorm it may create but courageous enough to do their job of interpreting the constitutionality of laws nonetheless.
Thursday, April 02, 2009
Tomorrow!
Some, of course, may wish to enter into the religious institution of marriage at the same time. If so, come to my church! I'll be glad to marry you to your spouse - but you will have to do the pre-marital counseling stuff I require of all couples I marry.
In case you were wondering, I am saving my eloquence for the rally in Council Bluffs tomorrow, where I'll be speaking on behalf of (at least some) communities of faith in support of marriage equality. See you tomorrow at 5:30pm; location to be updated as soon as I know it!
In the meantime, let's pray for equality and justice for all Iowans (it's a Christian prayer, but feel free to translate to your own tradition as is appropriate):
God, in your mercy, you create us for intimacy and love, and you shape our desires in many holy ways. You give us the bonds of marriage that we may make a family with our beloved, and that through our dearest relationships your love may be made manifest. We pray this evening for the state of Iowa and its great people, that we may be a place where all couples may freely marry their beloved. Tonight we pray especially for our gay and lesbian citizens, that come tomorrow, they may share equally in the rights and responsibilities of marriage. Give us courage to speak your love in clear tones, strength for the journey that lies ahead, and grace abundant, as you have so shown us in Jesus Christ. Amen.